I Forgot!

I've forgotten a lot of things , especially in recent years. But for now I am talking about how I forgot I had this blog started more than one year ago and never got around to writing a single post.  It's time to post.

I've not been very happy the last couple of years for many reasons. To tell the truth I would have to admit that I have been depressed.  In the past I had no idea what that really meant and couldn't possibly imagine it could happen to me. Sure I had bad days like anybody after a couple hours I would get bored with being depressed and move on.

Now I know for someone who is depressed it just isn't that easy. It seems impossible to explain why it is so hard to move on.  I don't like to use drugs for depression, but that doesn’t mean I think it is wrong to use anti-depressants.  For some, maybe even me, it  may be the best option and maybe even the only thing a person can do at times in their life. I would just like a better, more permanent solution for myself.  I'm sure writing can help. 

Perhaps the biggest think I have forgotten is that I forgot who I am, where I come from and even what I believe in.

My mother passed away in an automobile accident in 1998. I was sad of course but it never seemed to bother me as much as it should have.  Seven full years after her death I began to mourn. I remember the day well, but I cannot remember what may have triggered it. I was sitting in front of the computer and I started to think about her. I began to cry. Within a matter of minutes I was wailing like a toddler lost in a crowd and couldn’t find his mommy and daddy. At that time I had not cried since I was a child, at least not that I can remember. Crying comes too easy since I got old. I cry when I hear my daughter sing, I cry at weddings, I cry for children when they are in pain or when they are making decisions that could ruin their lives.

I digress, but that’s a good sign for me, I’ve always been a bit of a master at digression and rambling. Anyhow, after the crying subsided I started to write (typing in ‘Word’ actually). Before I knew it I had written a several page tribute to my mother. I had just started a blog at the time and I was bold enough to post it. I felt I needed to tell somebody how I really felt about my mother and never knew it my whole life.

 I was publishing one or two posts  per week for maybe 5 or six months. But one day when I was angry with myself I permanently deleted every single post from my blog. Lost forever included the one about my mom.  Tonight when I was cleaning up some old email folders I found a copy of the post about my mom. The timing could not be better. I don’t want to live like I have been for the last 3 or four years I am tired of being depressed.  I need to change. I need to remember who I am.

 If you want to know where you come from or why you are what you are taking time to reflect on who your mom was is not a bad place to start. This tribute to my Mother ended up as a revelation to myself about how important she was to me and how much of what I am , what I think and what I feel is because of her.

I want to repost that tribute. The temptation to edit it before posting is strong, but I will not do that. I am sure I could improve grammar here and there, make it a little more interesting, maybe even a little shorter but I will not touch it. If I edit it in any way I am sure any improvements I could make would cost more in what is loss  from the spirit and emotions I was feeling at the time it was written.

One final word, my mother was not a perfect woman by any means. She was full of faults and failures as much as anybody else.  But I think most would agree with me that a tribute is not written as a historical document. It is written to reflect and remember the spirit and how that person changed our lives.

Of course I hope a few people will take the time to read it and it will in some way provide value to them or remind them of what their mothers meant to them, but if not that’s ok. I am posting it for me. I have to. I want to remember who I am.